(Spoiler alert: it’s not about money.)
by Cindy Holbrook.
A note from Dan Dalton…
As a divorce mediator, I naturally write about the benefits and the challenges of divorce mediation. But I found the following article so interesting that I just had to share it. It’s adapted from a terrific blog written by Cindy Holbrook, who’s known as “The Compassionate Divorce Coach.” Read more about Cindy at the end of the article.
According to the National Center for Health Statistics, women file for divorce two-thirds of the time. And when the couple is college educated, the wife initiates the divorce a whopping 90 percent of the time!
The divorce rate began climbing drastically in the 70s, just after states began adopting “no-fault” divorce laws. By 1985, all states had such a law in place.
In Massachusetts, “no-fault” divorce allows a couple to divorce if one (or both) of them has decided that there’s an irretrievable breakdown of the marriage. Before no-fault laws, one party had to prove a “fault” against the other—for example, adultery or desertion—to get divorced.
Perhaps this is why many people think divorce is no big deal. But the truth is that divorce is extremely painful for everyone involved. Most women don’t want a divorce. They took their vows seriously. They believed they would be married for life, with a partner, a lover, and a friend who cherishes them.
Even though many women work today, they’re often still the primary housekeeper and main caregiver of their children. This adds an extreme amount of pressure. In many workplaces, women are still dealing with inequality, watching male counterparts get promotions, as they are blatantly passed over time and time again.
Due to many women’s beliefs — beliefs passed down from mother to daughter for generations—they still struggle with who they are and what roles in society they ought to fill. It’s an inner struggle that often leads a woman to put impossible demands on herself. She wants it all, and somewhere inside of her feels that she has to do it all. At the same time, she’s screaming for help.
According to a Pennsylvania State University study, these are the top 10 reasons why women divorce:
- Drinking/drug use
- Grew apart
- Personality problems
- Lack of communication
- Physical or mental abuse
- Loss of love
- Not meeting family obligations
- Employment problems
(Surprisingly, “financial problems and arguments” was thirteenth on the list.)
Looking over the list is proof that women want an equal partner.
When it comes down to it, men and women are looking for the same thing — we all want a person who loves us unconditionally, one who asks our opinion on important matters, trusts our decisions, and respects us as a person. We all want to feel appreciated. We don’t want to come second or third. When we talk, we want to feel heard.
At one time, there was love in the relationship. In order to get married, most couples had to have felt it. They were on top of the world when they were with their partner.
Then life happens. Arguments begin. Communication breaks down. Often, the woman will try anything to make her marriage work. She starts reading books, trying new things, losing weight, buying new clothes, taking up new hobbies — all in hopes to revive the love that was lost.
She only resorts to divorce as a last resort.
Cindy Holbrook is known as “The Compassionate Divorce Coach.” She has over 20 years of experience helping women to heal, love and find inner peace after their divorce. Her mission is to empower women to move forward with courage, confidence, and clarity. Grab your free ebook, “Divorcee’s Guide to Happiness” .. link to https://www.coachingfordivorcedwomen.com/finding-happiness-after-divorce-lp
Please share this article with someone who may find it interesting.Thank you for reading.